One Woman’s Story of the Loss of her Husband and Partner to
Suicide
I was with my other half, I don’t say that lightly, for 25
years. My mother used to say, “When
you’re not with him, you’re on the phone with him.” So true.
He was my husband David, my lover, friend, business partner, and
children’s amazing and passionate father.
He was also bi polar. Did I know
it when I married him? No. Was it evident throughout the 25 years? Not really in the way you would expect it to
be.
In fact it was the opposite.
He had great energy, was smart, creative, and giving. He was loving, affectionate, fun spirited and
always “there” for our children and me.
Unfortunately in 2007, after a set of terrible circumstances
that were, for the most part self generated by bad decisions he had made,
combined with the deteriorating economy, he slowly over several months, became
a man I no longer knew. He withdrew,
became severely depressed and agitated, and then even paranoid and even
psychotic. Thus began “our” agonizing
journey into mental illness and eventual suicide.
It has been almost five years since his death. I couldn’t even talk about it until two years
ago. And when I finally did, I was
astounded to find out how many people have experienced losing someone they love
to suicide. As time passed, as I
attempted to save my own sanity, and struggled to rebuild my family and my
life, our home, and my career, I began
to realize that people who have lost a loved one to suicide need support and
guidance, even just simple understanding.
The guilt, blame, anger and shame of suicide are
overwhelming. It is bad enough that you
lose someone you needed, loved and counted on to be part of your daily life
experience. But to have them deliberately
“choose to leave you”? Horrific.
I am writing this article for the survivors. The ones who can’t escape the pain left in
their hearts.
At first I was anxious, scared to be alone, worried about my
children, their stability, our financial security, my career falling apart,
what would people think? How would I
live without him? What did I do? What didn’t I do? All of this is normal.
There is so much to say and so little time here so I will do
my best to share what I have learned to help anyone who has lost someone to
suicide…get on with your own living.
First, know that it was not your fault. They chose to leave. They were not stable. Period.
Nothing is worth killing yourself for (unless possibly you are already
dying of some horrific disease and that is not a debate for this article).
Second, real, effective, well managed help for someone who is mentally ill is
difficult to find and even more challenging to maintain. But that is also a topic not up for debate
here.
I believe my survival and struggle for some sort of
stabilization, lead me to finally finding peace, in my heart, in my family and
in my life. There were five stages of
recovery for me that might be helpful for you.
I want to share them here with you now.
- Emotional Disengagement:
This is stage one, where the survivor disconnects emotionally and goes in
to a form of shock and denial. It
is normal and it is your body and mind’s way of coping and attempting to
grasp the situation.
- Give
yourself permission to disengage and grieve.
It’s part of the process.
- Take
things one at time, one minute at a time, one day a time.
- Get
support through friends, medical, spiritual.
- Don’t
make any major decisions at this time.
- Watch
you intake of alcohol and caffeine.
- Anxiety and Depression: This is stage two, where you may begin
to realize the overwhelmingness of it all and the long-term finality and
effects it could have on you, your family and your life. You may begin to anticipate and
experience negative futuristic what if thinking. You may begin the guilt, blame, anger,
and shame experience at this time, which can be emotionally draining and
painful.
- Find
a “talking partner”. Someone you can
talk and talk and talk to. Someone you
can trust. Someone you can worry with and vent to.
- Accept
your fear and worry; of course you’re fearful and worried, it’s normal.
- Distract
yourself; get out when you can, with people who love you. Stay busy, exercise, walk the dog, read,
research, fill your time.
- The Beginning of
Acceptance: This is the third
stage, where you begin to
accept the situation.
- Talk
to others who have been through what you’ve been through.
- Begin
to look for opportunities to move slowly forward.
- Get
help with advice or planning from people in the know, friends or professionals.
- Be
patient and understanding with yourself at this time and when you’re tired and
need to rest, or need time alone, take it.
4. Rebuilding: This is a time where you will begin to
slowly create a realistic plan of action for your new future.
- Find
new friends who support your “new you” and can help you move forward with the
changes in your life positively, and of course keep the old friends that are
good for you.
- Began
to create new goals and take action steps to accomplish them.
- Surround
yourself with people who are there to offer support in all the various ways you
need it…whether it’s a roommate or an exercise partner or simply someone to
have dinner with once in a while.
- Exercise,
do something to improve your looks (it will make you feel better) and re-energize
yourself.
- The New Normal
- Understand
and accept the new you and your new life.
- Live
from a place of gratitude.
- Live
in the moment.
- Make
it a determined goal to eat and exercise in a healthy way so you feel good.
- Appreciate
how far you’ve come and how well you have managed your life and what you have
been through.
- Understand
that time heals. Give you and your
family the time to heal.
In my new book “Truth Be Told: A Memoir of Success, Suicide,
and Survival”, I talk about how I got through not only my husband’s suicide, but also, within the same year, the loss of my
brother, mother, and my business. If I
can do all of that and come out a TRUE SURVIVOR, not just surviving, but
thriving, than so can you. In honor of
the ones who left us we must decide to live fully again, not only for
ourselves, but also for them.
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